Shinobi Mission: Dating Adventure
by Emmy Kay
Summary: Dating Kakashi really really  REALLY  isn't what Iruka expected. Kakashi isn't quite sure what to make of Iruka, either.  Cracked, broken, probably should just be laid to rest.


Title: Shinobi Mission: Dating Adventure

Rating: PG-13

Pairing: Kakashi/Iruka

Warnings: Language, crack.

Words:~2600

Disclaimer: Naruto and all affiliated characters belong to Kishimoto Masashi. This story is written without permission and for personal/fan/nonprofit entertainment purposes only.

Notes: Written for a prompt on the KakaIru kink meme.

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><p>Prompt: <em>Dating Kakashi really really (REALLY) isn't what Iruka expected. Kakashi isn't quite sure what to make of Iruka, either.<em>

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><p>"Oh, poop," muttered Iruka, realizing how he'd have to rearrange his schedule to accommodate all his students' parent-teacher meetings, for the two hundredth time.<p>

"You swore by saying "oh, poop?" Kakashi giggled. "It's not like you saw actual excrement - but you got flustered and you said, "oh, poop?""

"I teach children. It's part of the job."

"You're training killers, but you need to watch your language? How does that make sense?"

"You might think it's a little ironic. Hypocritical, even. But these kids have got parents, parents who listen to things the kids say and get upset about the bad language. I'd prefer never to have to deal with a parent's claim that school has corrupted their children."

"So, let me get this straight. You're training killers. Polite, not-swearing killers who will say, "thank you," and "please," when their asses get beat. And "oh, poop" when the shit really hits the fan." Kakashi couldn't get his head around a world where he needed to watch his mouth because it might make somebody's mommy mad.

"...Yeah. I know."

* * *

><p>"What the hell are you reading?"<p>

"Oh, shit!" Kakashi moved, a blindingly fast flurry of arms and legs as he tucked his box of books under the sheets.

Iruka gave him that look that said, "come on, now." Kakashi almost felt impelled by some mysterious force to give him that book, but overcame that only with great exertion. It was almost like a mind control jutsu, but he knew Iruka wasn't using any chakra. He'd been impressed the first time he'd seen Iruka do this to someone else. But to have it done to him - it was downright creepy.

Frowning, Iruka marched over and reached under the bedclothes.

"Oh, sensei," crooned Kakashi. "If that's what you're looking for - "

"Later," Iruka snapped. "Later. First - and this!" Iruka feinted left and then right, then dove his hands through an opening. He triumphantly waved a book he had snatched out from under the sheets. His eyebrows drew together as he read. "That's sort of sick."

"I know," Kakashi bowed his head in shame.

"It's incredibly poorly written. It's not your age group. It even has pictures. You are a grown-ass man. I can't believe you're not reading something more worthy of your time and energy." Oh, yes, Iruka was more than aware of what these books were. He put his hands on his hips. "Shinobi Twins and the Mystery of the Great Tree?"

"It's a fast read," Kakashi muttered. "I like the happy endings."

"Look how big this font is! And the margins - they must be two inches wide, minimum."

"It's good for missions. You know, easy to read in bad light," explained Kakashi weakly. "I just got a big shipment from the used bookstore - can you leave me in peace?"

Iruka pulled out another. "Shinobi Twins: Mission, Babysitting!"

"Sometimes there are very good plot twists!" The protest went unheard.

"Shinobi Twins and the Pony Farm Adventure?" Iruka's eyebrows rose.

"Yaki and Maki are good role models, Iruka. Always happy and forgiving and up for adventures. Maybe you could learn something from them." Kakashi's voice increased in volume as he became invested in a vision. "Maybe you could assign them in class. We could read them together, as a book club thing. It would be a nice couple thing to do."

Iruka snorted. "I think I prefer you reading porn. This - this - it's just cracked."

* * *

><p>Kakashi, Iruka found to his horror, was a fanboy of the worst sort. He bought everything he could get his hands on from the Icha Icha licensed catalog. There were special editions of the books, T-shirts, mugs, articles of clothing, cellphone charms, calendars, shoelaces and buttons.<p>

Worse still was his obsession with the Shinobi Twins. Once Iruka had ferreted out the secret, it was as if a tremendous dam had burst and Iruka was in the direct path of Kakashi's endless flood of ruminations, speculations and dreams about Yaki and Maki. He had read the entire run of the series, all 25 volumes, up to the latest. A new one came out every couple of months. In between new releases, Kakashi reread his favorites. And almost every one was a favorite. "Shinobi Twins and the Secret of the Castle Town," "Shinobi Twins, Fight for Survival, Battle of the Bands!", but especially, "Yarr: Shinobi Twins Super-Double Special with the Pirate Lads (bonus friendship bracelet included)." He quoted extensively from the Twins' own quips ("Shinobi Twins Chakra: Power Up! Bad Guys Down!"). It thrilled him no end that the Twins had ninken, as opposed to any other sort of summoning animals. A pug, even.

He pondered about the fitness of attending the movies in actual shinobi attire. Kakashi dreamed to someday be able to go to a convention, possibly dressing up as one half of the dynamic duo. His single eye gleaming with light, he had proposed that Iruka dress up as the other half, preferably Yaki.

"What the hell difference does it make?" Iruka asked. "They're identical twins!"

"Yaki's a little bit of a downer. Maki's much more my style. Debonair, charming. Good with the ladies."

"I don't even understand how that could be possible. Good with girls? They're tween genins. They couldn't possibly be any good with - and you're gay -" Iruka stopped himself. "We're not talking about this. Nope. Never going to dress up. Don't even think about it. I'm not going to waste anymore time on this. Ridiculous."

Kakashi nodded, as if Iruka's words had confirmed all of his worst suspicions.

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><p>Kakashi felt Iruka was hiding something. He had been incredibly secretive this week. Granted, they'd only been dating for a few months, but still. A sneaky Iruka was a jittery, snappish, snatching pieces of interesting unopened mail away from gently curious fingers sort of Iruka. Really, it was a wonder the man was entrusted with so many of Konoha's secrets. Also, and Kakashi felt this to be something he should be most upset about, a sneaky Iruka was an Iruka not interested in the horizontal mambo. (Although when Kakashi discovered Iruka called the horizontal mambo "having sex", a powerful dismay came over him. How could he call it "having sex?" So bland, so unoriginal, so unlike his fiery hot Scotch Bonnet pepper of a boyfriend.)<p>

Kakashi wandered over to the academy, box of bento in hand. Iruka had been in a tremendous hurry to get out of the house this morning and had forgotten his lunch. Never let it be said that Kakashi Hatake would let a boyfriend leave the house hungry. For anything. Kakashi let a self-satisfied smirk fill the underside of his mask. Still, he had genuine mercy and affection for his boyfriend, hidden deeply under his uniform navies. Also, bringing a bento would be a perfect cover to sneak up on Iruka, and see whether or not his boyfriend was cheating on him.

Deep down, Kakashi knew that cheating was something completely incompatible with Iruka's nature. (See: jittery, snappish Iruka.) Still, they were ninja. It wasn't as if cheating was something foreign to either of them. Besides, and this is where Kakashi congratulated himself - nobody, but nobody, ever cheated on Kakashi. They were usually too satisfied, if he said so himself. (Or afraid of death, but he disregarded that thought immediately. If you were afraid of death, why even begin dating the Copy Ninja?)

He was turned away from the classroom by a substitute. Iruka had left school early that day. Doctor's appointment, they said. Strange: Iruka hadn't seemed sick at all this morning. Kakashi didn't recall Iruka saying anything about a doctor's appointment. He had been memorized Iruka's schedule and there had been nothing there. Things were becoming curiouser and curiouser.

Frown growing, Kakashi felt he had to go to particular, extreme lengths. (See: "Iruka not interested in horizontal mambo. Or even hiding the salami. Or even mutual spanking the monkey - monkeys?" Grammar wasn't Kakashi's strong point. That's one reason he loved the Shinobi Twins so much. It was clear Takahashi Takeuchi-sensei didn't care about that stuff either.)

He summoned Pakkun. "Shinobi Mission: Find Iruka!"

"Yeah, whatever," said the dog wearily. He was quite used to Kakashi's way of speaking in capitals for the dumbest little jobs. (Stupid kid books. Perhaps Gai had also gotten into them -?) And they set off. They circled around the village for a while, Iruka having dashed around quite a bit, heading into more and more desperate-looking neighborhoods before reaching his final destination. Not that this affected Kakashi at all. A determined Kakashi was a successful Kakashi.

They tracked Iruka down to a run-down diner set on the first floor of a shabby office building on an exceptionally seedy block.

Kakashi's heart began to ache with the idea that his sweet, lovable, darling Iruka would ever stray into this part of town. _And gods have mercy on him if it was to meet another man for romantic reasons._ Cautiously, he henged into the form of his neighbor two doors down. (Kakashi's neighbor, a mousy civilian who blended in everywhere, would never know the reasons why he was always looked at so curiously in certain quarters, or why he would, on occasion, get chased out of particular establishments.)

Kakashi tucked Pakkun under his arm and walked into the diner. He spotted Iruka almost immediately.

Iruka sat hunched over a tiny bowl of soup, looking miserable, while a sloppy-looking man in a worn suit blathered at him, gesturing to a series of papers and photos arrayed in front of the both of them.

Clearly, Iruka was not out to have a good time without him. Protective aura flared out of Kakashi's body. What was that sloppy-looking man doing to his Iruka?

Kakashi stopped in front of the table.

Idly, Iruka looked up. "Oh, hi, Ishi." And he halted, his eyes widening in shocked realization, taking in Pakkun's position under "Ishi's" arm. He'd seen Kakashi do this particular trick before. "You-!" he cried, miserably, waving his arms. "Kakashi - this isn't what it looks like!"

Kakashi let his henge drop in a dramatic reveal. "Yes! It's me, Iruka!" He turned to the sloppy-looking man. "What's going on here?"

"Who're you?" the sloppy man asked, filled with trepidation. "Why are you calling him Iruka?"

Kakashi smiled, his single visible eye glittering with danger. "I'm his lawyer."

"No - no - " denied Iruka. "He's my boyfriend!"

"And I'm a ninja!"

The man gasped. "Your boyfriend is a ninja and a lawyer! The things I didn't know - oh, forgive me, Takahashi Takeuchi-sensei. If I'd have known, I'd never have tried to get you to sign that new contract!"

Kakashi's jaw dropped as he gazed in wonder at his boyfriend. "You're, you're, you're Takahashi Takeuchi?"

"Shut up!" Iruka flushed, deep and dark.

"Takahashi Takeuchi, here all this time, right in front of me, I can't believe it," Kakashi said. He found it hard to breathe. He wheezed in his excitement.

"He's lied to you about his identity, too?" the sloppy man looked aghast. "Takeuchi-sensei - who are you?"

The shame had Iruka contorting in his seat. "Yes, I'm Takahashi Takeuchi. Author and creator of the Shinobi Twins. This is my publisher, Kenichi. Ken, this is my boyfriend, Kakashi."

"And his number one fan!" Kakashi's eye curved up in delirious happiness.

"I thought your name was Ishi?" Ken boggled.

"You! Shut up!" Iruka directed. After banging his head on the table to get himself back to a semblance of normalcy, he regained some self-control. He took the contract and pen, making several slashing corrections to it before handing it back to the sloppy man. "There. No merchandising - it's shameful to take money away from children like that. And take these galleys away - I've told you and told you about the correct usage of punctuation. And that cover art is just awful. Everybody knows Yaki is the more attractive twin."

* * *

><p>It turned out that Iruka had first written the books on a dare after spotting the contest in the newspaper. He was as surprised as anyone that his little first-draft story, tossed off in a couple of hours while drunk, actually garnered any kind of interest at all. (Submission being contractually binding.) Then the new contracts just kept coming, and Iruka never felt the need to inform anyone of his hobby. And he was strictly informed that in no way could the quality be improved, given their target audience, which drove him crazy.<p>

Kakashi mused, "I was wondering how you could afford to feed Naruto on a schoolteacher's salary. But you must be rich, with all the Shinobi Twins' money."

"You'd be surprised," Iruka said, wry. "It doesn't pay very well. Kids writing usually doesn't. Why do you think Kenichi's offices are here and not in a luxury high-rise - you know, like that guy who publishes Icha Icha? Porn is much more lucrative. I should have gotten into writing that."

"Come on," sniffed Kakashi. "That guy could afford better. He's just cheap. Do you want me to give him a warning?"

"Oh, no," Iruka said. "You're going to jeopardize my contract. Ken added a special clause about protection from my ninja lawyer boyfriend." Then he smiled. "Thank you, though. You being here meant a lot to me. A whole ten percent extra."

"You're welcome."

"You're not upset that I hid this from you?"

Kakashi thought. "No. I understand why. I'm sorry you're embarrassed about writing those books, though. I think they're great."

Iruka smiled. "Thanks."

"Do you think you could do me a favor?" asked Kakashi.

"Anything."

"Anything?"

_Oh, poop._ Iruka knew he had walked right into that one. "Within reason. What is it?"

"I want you to take me to your next convention. And I want to sit next to you at the author's table."

"Um..."

"I'm going to dress up, and you're going to sign all my books, and I'm going to know everything in the books before they get published, and I'm going to be known as the boyfriend of Takahashi Takeuchi -" Kakashi sang.

"Um..."

"But first, tonight. We're going to do the horizontal mambo, like rabbits. Rock each other's world. We're going to give each other really intimate body hugs. Lay some pipe. Do the hanky-panky. The rumpy-pumpy. Make the beast with two backs. We're going to doooo iiiiit-"

"Gods. Before we started dating, I had no idea you liked euphemism so much." Iruka sighed.

Kakashi halted. Had Iruka just made up a new phrase? After all, he was a published author.

"No," Iruka said, correctly interpreting Kakashi's expression. "Euphemism is not a synonym for having sex."

"Oh."

At Kakashi's crest-fallen look, Iruka offered, "I'll have sex with you right now if you'll just shut up and stop calling it anything but having sex."

And so, Kakashi did. For the rest of that night, anyway.

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><p>I'm sorry, you guys. The crack - it sucked me in.<p> 


End file.
